We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
