Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
