When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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