Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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