Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
