Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
