maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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