When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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