He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
