I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
