u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
