I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
