So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
