You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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