I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
