Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
