When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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