Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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