I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
