Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
