I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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