We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
