Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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