If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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