I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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