Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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