Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
