Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
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and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
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She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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