when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
