Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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