Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
