just survived the first fart of the relationship.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
