You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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