Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
