He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
