i used baking grease as lip gloss
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
