He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize