After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
