i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
