I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
