areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
