my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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