sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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