She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
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