Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
