Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
