xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
