mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
