Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
