The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Randomize
