jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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