If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
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Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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