I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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