I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
